sickness

There is nothing so scary in the world as your child being sick. Even something milder than cancer or a life-threatening disease (God forbid) is difficult to go through. When P was hospitalized twice last year, it was scary. Seeing your child unresponsive or lethargic and dependent on modern medicine for health is scary. Yesterday he had a sore throat and wouldn't eat. Last night he was shivering while burning with fever. He was crying out nonsensical things in his sleep. He was tossing and turning. I was up every hour with him, and the worry is so much bigger and harder during the dark night. He is such a little guy. But, God is with us. P woke up this morning with more energy, gave me a grin and ate a cookie!

peace

A simple "help me" prayer, and wow! Turns out it's all in the way I see thirty or forty years of time. And how I see happiness. Perhaps the little things don't matter nearly so much as I thought; or, perhaps the issues are the little things. Either way, the constant struggle for my own way - even if I win - sure doesn't make me happy. And maybe seeing him happy or content will give me joy.

struggle

There is a bit of chaos in my head, as of late. Father J spoke a good homily Sunday about the peace of Christ, and how He wants to give it, and how we need to seek it. But this confusion regarding relationship is not allowing me any peace. I don't know if I am being tempted, tested, or challenged. Or perhaps, none of these. I'm trying to figure out if and how fear plays a role in the whole thing. I am questioning happiness and responsibility. Duty and love. This too shall pass, but will it? And after how long? And does it matter anyway?

tomorrow

tomorrow I will perfect the mother thing
tomorrow I will make time to pray
tomorrow I will smile more
tomorrow I will be careful what I say
tomorrow I will stop drinking coke
tomorrow I will take my kids out to play
tomorrow I will save some coin
tomorrow I will find my way

maybe tomorrow I will matter to you
maybe tomorrow I won't be alone
maybe tomorrow the sun will shine again
maybe tomorrow's already gone

a new day has dawned

It amazes me that even with all the struggle on Pascha night - what with getting four kids ready and out the door in the middle of the night, complete with blankets and pillows, and dressed in their finery; getting those same four kids through two or three hours of services, when I am tired; and getting up early the next morning to take the puppy out to pee and feed her and give her some love - that it is still my favorite night of the year.

I love the anticipation in the air when we arrive at the church! I love the tangible joy in the air, and on the faces of those present! I love the hymns; they always stay in my head for at least a week, and are enjoyed over and over! I love St. John Chrysostom's Paschal homily that is read every year - so much hope, so much love, so much acceptance. You see and hear God in it. No wonder St. John was called "golden-mouthed"! I love sweet Communion with my risen Christ! I love the song to Mary - "rejoice, your Son is risen from his three days in the tomb"!  I can only imagine her sorrow and her joy as a mother during Christ's crucifixion and resurrection!

And, waking to "Bright Week" . . . well, it really is bright! A new day has dawned, and Christ is risen!

nature and nurture

Well, the snow has melted, and spring seems to be back! The boys have been out all day in the sunshine, riding their bikes, and I am about to go out with the others and the dog. As I was enjoying the incense in church the other day, I contemplated nature and nurture for the effects they have on us. God forbid that the children ever leave God or the Church, even briefly, but if they do, I know that the incense, the icons, the chants are imprinted upon their minds and in their hearts - and will be a part of who they are. They are knitted into the fabric of their beings, and just like certain smells or songs can bring back memories from childhood, will be able to hold that memory of God in them. This, then, is nature - and nurture is the opportunity to take Holy Communion regularly and to be in a family of love: not only immediate family, but collective family of the universal Church.

april snow

So, a bit of a shocker today to get some snow. And just as few days ago the boys were wearing shorts and t-shirts to school! It actually started as rain, and it smelled so good! I can't say I miss the rain, or the clouds, or the gray of the coast, but I do miss the fresh smell of rain!

My "little" brother turns 28 today! Wow - how time flies! It would be nice to be together to celebrate, but at least we have telephones and computers and can easily stay in touch across the miles.  Knowing how quickly the moments of life disappear . . . I cling to the little things - like rocking D to sleep, or reading a story to L, or having bedtime discussions with P and M.  (Truly, P daily says the darndest things!)

being on time

We had P's family day today with pre-k.  Of course, A was too busy to come when it was time to leave.  He was only going to be "5 more minutes".  Like always!  So, we left without him.  I am trying to teach the kids that being on time is respectful - that it is a practical way to show love to those around us.  A doesn't agree, apparently.  It is a daily and weekly thing with him.  Get up late; start work late; arrive at church late; etc.  It drives me bonkers.  And, it is difficult to teach the kids something that their dad doesn't do.  Anyway, we had a glorious time at the family day.  A tour of the library followed by story time and a craft; then outside in the park for time at the playground and feeding the ducks!  So much fun in the sun!

i love alleys

I love alleys.
I love sunglasses in winter time.
I love roads that aren't perfect.
I love character and struggle in buildings.
I love friendly people.
I love sky as far as I can see.
I love warm sunshine in springtime.

I love it here, in this place that is home.

I am so grateful for my children playing, my husband working so hard, my parents nearby, my puppy getting into mischief, my home which is big enough for our family, my beautiful church, my good health, my friends far and near.

st mary of egypt

I think of my daughter's closet, full of amazing dresses and outfits - most that she will only wear once - and the money spent on those outfits, and I contemplate the life lesson from St Mary of Egypt. The flesh is temporary; the soul is what matters. Am I teaching my children the importance of inner beauty, or am I focusing too much on outward appearance, perhaps in response to my own scars? I never want them to feel ugly; I never want them to be ignored or teased. I know this is an unrealistic wish - and perhaps instead, I should be teaching them that it is okay to be teased or ignored for Christ's sake, ie. for the beauty of their souls. St Mary of Egypt spent so long trying to tame her flesh into repentance.  It is so much easier for children to form good habits than to attempt to change bad habits later. I know: as an adult, it is a daily struggle to fix, fix, fix and wade against the tide towards repentance and healing. Well, this is the breath, the moment that I turn around. Change direction and think differently.